It occurred to me in sivasanah yesterday that I came back here to attend things that were never quite finished years ago, and now have been given all new directions. The vision I had was of a horse and rider, on a beach. He threw at me a white orb. It was my dream as well, last night. It must have been a snowball. I woke this morning to snow, falling, making everything clean and fresh, feeling good again.

I remember a long time ago, I won’t say how long, but we were all eighteen years old. Someone of guru status asked me and my two best friends at the time, my boyfriend Billy and his childhood buddy since birth, Holly, “would you rather be cool or happy?” to which they both said “cool!”

My answer after another moment of hesitation was, “happy.” Funny how it all turns out, a few years later they were both married (to other people) and I was still chasing the grail, as we always were. I have never stopped to realize that they both achieved some level of happiness and I ended up cold.

You cannot choose happiness. It’s like remembering a dream, the harder you try, the more elusive it becomes. Those romantic fairy tales of fair maidens and princes on white horses, they do exist in the land of imagination, and in real life as well. It just takes more effort to find it and creativity to make it work.

So, I will never, never again doubt that all dreams are possible, if you are willing to put in the patience, energy and discipline to keep trying! Maybe it is time to at least slow down for awhile so I can forget about trying to be happy…